This speech was given at the Chatswood Early Risers Humorous Speech Contest on the 18th August 2009.
Who likes Disneyland, Dream World or Sydney’s own Luna Park?
The adrenalin rush of the rides, the noise noise and the crowds?
If this appeals to your sense of adventure, but you can’t get to an amusement park – I have an alternative which is MUCH closer to home – a train trip with City Rail. That’s right. City Rail offers you all these thrills for just the price of a train ticket.
One thing I have to say about amusement parks — they’re not cheap thrills. But wait till you buy your City Rail ticket – it’s not a cheap thrill either, unless you are student or a Senior.
So let me be your guide as I take you on an action filled adventure with City Rail.
Amusement parks are mis-named. They should be called “Wait In Line” parks. With City Rail you also get to do a lot of waiting, and just like Luna Park, City Rail offers some distractions to entertain you while you wait on the platform.
Try your skill at “spot the smoker”. Wait for the announcement “Customers are reminded that smoking is NOT PERMITTED in covered areas, toilets and waiting rooms”. Then quickly look around and see if you can spot the offender.
My favourite game is “spot the pram”. Every morning I hear “Customers with prams are asked to keep a firm grip at all times and apply the brakes when waiting.” I keep looking, but I can’t see the pram. Maybe your eyes are better than mine?
My favourite ride at Luna Park is the dodgem cars. The goal is to deliberately crash into other drivers. You can play a similar game on the (railway) platform – Dodgem Phone . Watch out for the determined commuter walking briskly, head down, with both thumbs frantically typing. Position yourself carefully and see if you can crash. But if the person is moving really quickly —- then you’d better get out of the way!
Here comes the train! So where should you sit in the carriage? In a roller coaster ride, it is scarier sitting up the front. The same with the train – you need to choose your seat carefully for maximum thrills.
Every ride at Luna Park has loud music. You can also find loud music on the train. Look for the person with the white headphone cords – connected to an iPod. Sit next to them and enjoy the music blaring out.
How about enjoying the IMAX experience? City Rail commuters now watch movies on their journey.
Many commuters carry a laptop computer and watch action films. Sit next to this traveller, and be dazzled by the fast-paced action on screen. There is no additional charge for this entertainment.
By now, you must agree that the train trip is just as exciting as the Luna Park Ghost Train ride, especially if you race through the tunnels on the new Epping line with its flashing lights and ear-piercing noise.
Do you like those sideshow games where you try your luck to win prizes? City Rail offers you a game of skill where you try to UNDERSTAND THE GUARD’s ANNOUNCEMENT.
The most articulate announcers must have just missed out on a job with Qantas “Thank you for choosing City Rail and please make sure you take all your personal belongings with you”. That was easy to understand.
And there is the guard who must have a second job as a stand-up comic “thank you for travelling City Rail .. the time is 8.20 and we are currently travelling at an altitude of 4 feet”.
The worst announcer are those guards afraid of public speaking. They mumble away, being understood by no one. If only I could tell them about Toastmasters.
Your journey will soon come to an end – but there is still one more adventure ahead.
By now, the carriage is packed with noisy high school students. School bags litter the floor space. People are standing on the stairs and not moving. How do you get out? — Crowd surf!
Yes, it is quite safe to take a leap into the crowd as your fall will be cushioned by the school bags. No doubt this is the most exciting City Rail ride of all.
After you have landed, face the carriage door and leap towards the platform. Push through the crowds of people packed together like penguins then squeeze into the crowd on the stairs to reach the end of your adventure — the ticket gate.
What a ride! Now it is your turn to take the big adventure . Get to your nearest railway station today [or tomorrow] and buy a ticket for the RIDE — of your LIFE!