This speech was delivered in a Humorous Speech Contest in 2005
Every day I’m seeing more and more people afflicted with mad cow disease. That’s right people are turning into cows …why? they are constantly chewing, chewing, chewing. Ladies and gentlemen, we have been invaded by the American invention of chewing gum.
There’s a difference between the chewing behaviour of cows and human People chew with their mouth open.
The other day I observed on the train a young man chewing the cud with a young woman. While they were talking I could see white gobs of gum in their mouths being bouncing around as they talked and in danger of being ejected into the lap of another traveller.
But why the popularity of chewing gum? I’ve come to the conclusion that these people leave home in such a hurry they didn’t have time to brush their teeth. The personal dental hygiene ritual has now gone public in the railway carriage. Or maybe these people are trying to quit smoking and they are chewing those nicotine replacement gums.
The NSW government could learn about controlling chewing gum from Singapore. Gum is completely banned there and I have heard that if you get caught chewing gum in public you get executed. The last Australian found with the proscribed amount of chewing gum had their sentence reduced to twenty years and they are still fighting it out in the Singapore courts.
Anyway, that’s enough about keeping your teeth clean.
One of the amazing abilities of the human body is the ability to store food and water for a significant time without the need for constant eating and drinking. This leads me to the puzzle of people carrying water bottles on the train. Why is this?
Now the average commute time between walking out the front door and arriving at the office is most likely under an hour. I see people on the train carrying enough water to cross the Simpson desert on foot! Why are they bothering to carry this water when you can turn on the tap at home or at the office and get a decent drink of water?
Why is it that people can spend $2 on a bottle of water when you can bottle your own from the kitchen sink Two dollars will buy you enough tap water to fill 240 one litre bottles!
I suppose that carrying your own water supply could be handy in the event of a terrorist bombing on the train. A group of passengers could use their water bottles to put out a fire, and clean up the wounded.
It was the French who started the tradition of bottled waters, probably in response to lousy Parisian tap water. A popular brand of French water is Evian. Sounds very exotic but spell the name backwards N A I V E. Yes, naive, a French word adopted into the English language. The Evian brand is actually OK. You should avoid the other brands as they are radioactive and can give you cancer.
However the gold mine of drinks would have to be the Boost Juice bars. If you thought bottled water was expensive, go and buy a drink at a Boost bar. Boost customers will spend more money on a drink than a good hot take-away meal.
The Boost bars offer some very exotic concoctions of fruits with names of Banana Buzz, All Berry Bang, and Pure Passion. I think there’s something going on there for the ladies? One of the drink supplements they have is wheatgrass. Now, what the heck is wheatgrass anyway? It sounds like something the Hare Krishnas would drink. It is probably easier waiting until you get home and just throwing some of your lawn clippings into a food processor and making your own drink.
Maybe $6 for what I thought was a fancy milkshake is quite a bargain. After all …. their drinks offer enormous benefits of energiser boosts and stress relief. The humble milkshake has come a long way since the chocolate and strawberry milkshakes of my youth when the only optional extra was a teaspoon of malt powder for an additional twenty cents.
It’s obvious that I am out of touch with new trends in nutrition and personal hygiene. From now on, I will carry my own water, chewing gum and Boost Bar loyalty card so I can start my day with Passion and a Bang!